Stop Telling Girls “You’re So Pretty”

“You’re so pretty!” “You’re so cute!” “I love your pretty dress!”

This is how girls are greeted by family and strangers alike, from the day they are born. And they will continue to hear these phrases over the course of many, many years.

While the intent is well-meaning, I believe these “compliments” actually harm young girls.

photo: Kelly Radinsky

When girls are told they’re pretty, it implies that they are being noticed and admired because they look a certain way. This gives them the impression that they have to look “pretty” or “cute” to be accepted and loved. This idea sticks with us throughout our lives–trust me. It can lead to body insecurity and the overall mindset that we are not worthy if we are not “pretty.”

Not only that, but commenting on a girl’s appearance implies that her looks are the only thing that matters. Is the girl smart, strong, or brave? Apparently that’s irrelevant. All that matters is how she is dressed, or how her face looks. Again, this can lead to girls growing up valuing themselves based on how they look–not how incredible they are as people.

So what happens when people stop commenting on a girl’s looks? What happens when that three-year-old grows up and is no longer a little child? When people stop telling her she is “so cute” and “pretty,” she may feel unworthy and discarded.

photo: Kelly Radinsky

One of the worst results of these appearance-based comments is that girls are taught to say “thank you” when they receive them. It goes something like this:

Stranger, to three-year-old Shelby: “Aww, isn’t she darling! You’re a pretty little girl!”

Shelby’s mom: “Shelby, say thank you to the nice old man!”

Now, this may make total sense to you. Girls are should always be polite, right?

Wrong. When girls (often from the time they can speak) are taught to always say “thank you” to whomever comments on their body, it teaches them that they should be honored that someone likes their appearance. Is this really the message we want to be sending girls–that throughout their lives, they should say “thank you” to any person who comments on their body? I don’t think so.

photo: Jackie Radinsky

Let’s put in more effort when we talk to young girls. Let’s go deeper and actually engage with them. Let’s show them that we value them as people, no matter how they look. Let’s give them real compliments. 

Here are some things we can say to them:

“You are very brave.”
“You are so strong!”
“I can tell you work really hard.”

It’s also great to ask little girls questions and let them talk about themselves:

“What’s your favorite book?”
“What is your favorite song to sing?”
“How are you feeling right now?”
“What games do you like to play?”

These are just a few ideas. I encourage you to come up with more creative, insightful ways to talk with girls! Through these interactions, we will teach girls that they are incredible and interesting people whose looks don’t matter.